Beyond "I Hate You!"
Equipping Kids with Non-Violent Communication skills
Misba and Mustafa are playing together with blocks and trucks. Suddenly, Mustafa yells, "You took my truck, I hate you!" Misba, startled, throws back, "You took my blocks, I don't want to play with you anymore!"
What just happened?
This is a scene many parents witness – a breakdown in communication. Misba and Mustafa are so caught up in their emotions (frustration, anger) that they can't express what they truly need.
They need to learn a new way to talk – Nonviolent Communication (NVC)!
What is NVC?
NVC was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg on the principles of non-violence by Mahatma Gandhi. It teaches us that words can have a powerful impact, just like actions. NVC equips kids with the tools to communicate their feelings and needs compassionately.
Why is NVC important?
NVC focuses on expressing feelings and needs instead of judgment, creating an openness to understanding what the other person feels rather than feeling attacked and judged. This helps build stronger friendships, give feedback to each other and navigate disagreements peacefully. Instead of yelling and blaming, NVC empowers them to find solutions that work for everyone!
How do we build NVC skills in children:
Observe vs. Evaluate: Instead of calling someone selfish, encourage your child to focus on the action. "I see you're playing with my truck. Did you ask before taking it?" This shift avoids judgment and focuses on the action observed.
Feeling Vocabulary: Help your child identify their emotions. Are they feeling frustrated they can't play with the truck, or maybe worried about someone taking their belongings without permission? A wider vocabulary allows for better expression: "I feel frustrated because I wanted to use the truck in my game."
Feelings vs. Thoughts: Distinguish between feelings and self-judgment. Mustafa might be feeling frustrated because he wants to use the truck, but the outburst ("I hate you") reflects a negative self-judgment - maybe he thinks he's not good at sharing or feels like Misba doesn't care about his feelings. Help him identify the underlying feeling (frustration) instead of the negative self-judgment. "It looks like you're feeling frustrated. Maybe you really wanted to use the truck?
Taking Responsibility for Feelings: Instead of blaming others, teach your child to own their emotions. "I feel angry because you took my toy" becomes "I feel frustrated when someone takes my things without asking because I need to feel like my belongings are safe." This shift teaches them that their feelings are a response to their needs, not caused by others.
Making Requests: Once your child identifies their feelings and needs, encourage them to make a clear request. This could be: "Would you mind giving me back the truck when you're done?" or "Can we take turns playing with it?" By making a specific request, they increase the chance of getting their needs met.
Putting it into practice:
Now, imagine that playtime disagreement again. Equipped with NVC skills, the child can approach the situation calmly. "I see you're playing with my truck. I feel frustrated because I was using it in my game. Would you mind giving it back to me when you're done, or can we take turns playing with it?"
This approach expresses their feelings (frustration), identifies the need (wanting to play with the truck), and makes a clear request that opens the door for a solution. Perhaps their sibling forgot to ask or didn't realize they were using it. NVC allows them to find a solution together, fostering cooperation and empathy.
Remember, NVC takes time and practice. Focus on cultivating NVC as a tool that improves communication over time. Even if the response is violent, help the child to take a deep breath and then communicate in a non-violent way.
More NVC resources: