Bullying- Who, what, and why?
Understand the mindset of the bully, the bullied, and the bystander.
Bullying is a pattern of behavior that occurs over a consistent period of time. A bully often aims to inflict harm on the victim either mentally or physically. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand if a child is the bully, the bullied, or the bystander. Let’s talk about these in detail:
THE BULLY
Knowing that your child is a bully can be painful. But if it is not handled at a young age it can lead to aggression.
What do I do if my child is a bully?
Talk- Have an open conversation with them to understand how they are feeling. Remember to separate actions from the child. Are they getting bullied somewhere and taking it out on others?
Check yourself- Are you unintentionally portraying a bullying behavior at home. Check if you listen to your child with equal respect and love.
Set expectations- Let your child know that bullying is not acceptable. Remember to be assertive and calm, do not damage your relationship with them.
Solutions- Help the child apologize to the ones they have bullied. Teach them about empathy and how their actions affect others.
THE BULLIED
Right now what your child needs the most is a safe space. They are probably blaming themselves and feeling low on confidence.
What do I do if my child is being bullied?
Provide support- Talk to them and help them see it’s not their fault. Tell them they are amazing as they are and that if someone needs to apologize it’s the bully. Engage them in activities that make them feel good about themselves.
Listen- This is perhaps the most important thing. Listen to them and give them your attention. Avoid saying that “perhaps it’s your fault, maybe you need to change.” This creates a safe space they need.
Talk to a teacher/parent- Do not promise to keep bullying a secret. Talk to a teacher/parent in a calm manner about the behavior of the bully. Try to understand the perspective of the bully, instead of blaming. Come up with solutions together to work on this.
Teach communication- Give your child the words to use when they are being bullied, “Stop, I don’t like it when you . . .” “I’m leaving”
THE BYSTANDER
If your child isn’t a bully or being bullied, chances are that they are a bystander. There are many reasons that children don’t step in when they see bullying. It could be because they are afraid to lose friends, afraid of becoming a target or afraid of making the situation worse.
What do I do if my child is a bystander?
Help them identify bullying- Sometimes children are unable to distinguish between playful teasing and bullying. Give them scenarios to help them identify bullying.
Talk about the effects- Have an open conversation with the child about the ethics of speaking up. By not reporting bullying, they are as guilty as the bully.
Walk away- Tell the child that sometimes bullies are just looking for attention. Walking away will discourage the bully. Still, remind them that it is important to tell an adult.
Model empathy- As an adult, you need to model acts of empathy for them. If they see you being kind and speaking up when something wrong is happening. They will have the courage to communicate too.
Remember, bullying is something we witness as children and as adults. It is important to understand the mindset behind it and then take action. It can be seen in various forms: physical, verbal, social, and cyber. Over the next few weeks, we will explore each of these in detail.
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