Navigating grief
Talking about death and ways to cope.
Dimple is close to her grandmother. She is the first person she hugs in the morning and the last person she says good night to before sleeping. When her grandmother passes away, Dimple stops talking to everyone and refuses to eat.
Grief is the reaction to losing someone we love. It is a normal emotion we face to process the sudden absence of someone or something.
Does only death cause grief?
No, grief can be caused by any type of sudden absence. It can be the loss of a friendship, a dream, a pet, or even an object of great importance.
What are the signs of grief?
The signs of grief can range from denial, sadness, and anger. Children who are unable to process their feelings might completely shut down or have sudden anger bouts. Hence, it is important that we equip them with ways to navigate grief.
How can we help children navigate grief?
The reaction to grief can differ from person to person depending upon the impact it has had.
Normalize- Let the child grieve and vent for a while. It is important for them to cry it out, or express it in ways of anger. In case the child shuts down completely give them some time to process the initial trauma.
Don’t lie - If the child asks questions about why a certain person left or why they lost a particular thing, tell them the truth. If Dimple was told that her “Grandma went to sleep for a long time”, she would be scared of sleeping. Being open and emotional will help the child come to terms with reality.
Explain the physical reasons- A child may shut down because of the feeling of guilt. They might think to blame themselves and think that because of a particular thought they caused the death or person to leave. Be honest and tell them that” when you die the heart stops working and the body does not function anymore”. Remember to pause and check how the child is feeling.
Take your time- A child may keep asking you the same question the next day even if you’ve had the above conversation in a clear concrete manner.Some tv shows show the return of someone even after death, this can confuse the child. Remember, to help the child process that death is permanent.
Express- If a child has shut down, help them verbalize their feelings by writing. The therapist’s Aid recommends writing a goodbye letter to the person. Art and activities can be a way to help them express too. (See: Art enabling imagination). This helps the child express any thoughts that they wish they had conveyed before.
It’s okay to cry- Adults, remember its okay to cry in front of the child. Seeing you grieve will help them process their emotions. Crying helps release the pent up trauma inside.
Give them hope- Reassure the child that they are always going to be cared for. This does not mean telling them that you are going to be alive forever. Simply let them know you are well, and that you are doing everything you can to stay healthy. Explain that you hope and expect to live a very long time until your children are adults. This is different from telling children that you or they will never die. This gives the child hope and people to reach out to.
Tell them what to expect- Before attending a funeral, let them know what to expect so that they are not taken by shock. Encourage them to ask questions before the service and tell them they have the option to take a break at any point. Remember to check in afterward to see if they need help processing things.
Remember, coping doesn’t mean you have no pain. It means you feel the grief, and also find ways to move forward. Dealing with grief in a direct and honest way is a great gift you can offer your children and is one of the best ways to respect the memory of a loved one who has died.