5-year old Isha is shopping with her parents. She runs to the ice cream counter and accidentally drops all the boxes. Everyone looks at her and her parents tell her to stop being so careless. Isha instantly droops her head and turns red.
The emotion Isha is experiencing is called shame. We feel shame when we think we have violated social norms we believe in. The feeling of wanting to sink into the ground and disappear is shame.
Why do we feel shame?
We feel shame because of the need to be accepted and loved. We live in the fear of what might others think. If at some point we do something that might not be accepted or worse, made fun of we instantly want to vanish from there.
Children experience a feeling of shame at all times. For example, if they wore the wrong uniform to school their face might turn red or when they make a mistake.
Isn’t it the same as guilt?
Guilt happens when we break the ethical norms of society. For example, stealing might lead to guilt. Guilt happens when we feel responsible for hurting somebody.
Guilt tells us, "Hey, you made a mistake. Now you feel bad. Let's do something about that". Shame buries itself in our hearts, whispering, "You did that bad thing because .you're a bad person. You don't deserve to be loved and forgiven.
How does shame affect us?
Shame can lead to instant drooping and an increase in body temperature. It affects our logical thinking and can lead to fight, flight, or freeze.
Shame crushes a child’s natural identity, their curiosity, and their desire to do things by themselves.
How can we prevent shame?
Watch your words- Avoid saying things like:
“I’m so tired of dealing with you.”
“You are such a bad child”
“I’m done with you”
These words directly affect a child’s self-esteem and lead to labeling.
Assess your consequences- Sometimes punishments can cause shame. If a child makes a mistake, instead of yelling at them and not giving them a chance to explain. Wait for them to clarify what happened and then choose to respond.
Model- Children learn what they see. If you beat yourself up over things and say “I am so stupid.” chances are that they will end up feeling bad for the smallest of mistakes.
What if the child already feels ashamed? How can we overcome that?
Apologize- The simplest way to overcome shame is to apologize to the child. If the child has made a mistake you don’t approve of communicating that it’s not the child you disapprove of but the action. Think of it like "I don’t approve of your actions but I always approve of you. Or, I don’t like your choices but I always like you.”
Awareness- Help the child recognize the sensations in their body that is a result of shame. That way they won’t get confused when they suddenly feel hot and are unable to think clearly. Here are some guiding questions:
How do you define shame (in your own words)?
What are three words that describe shame?
If you were to draw a picture of shame, what would it look like?
What color is shame?
How does it feel in your body?
Word it out- If a child says “I’m not good enough.” Everybody hates me”, help them convert this into positive self-talk. Talk about the event which might have led to this, and ask them if there is any evidence which proves that this is untrue
Perspective- If a child is unable to come up with evidence help them change their perspective. For example, if they feel stupid because they wore the wrong unfirm to school ask them what would they do if their classmate did that? This helps them understand that others might not be making fun of them after all.
Remember, just like all emotions shame is a natural emotion too. We can’t shield our children from it, but we can help them cope with it. This helps them switch from “I am worthless” to “I belong” and become confident adults.