Tina and her parents are shopping. Tina likes a green colored top and wants to try it. The saleswoman gets her a fresh piece and gives it to her. Tina immediately drops to the ground and starts howling. The saleswoman and the parents are utterly confused at this point.
Here Tina is throwing a tantrum.
What are tantrums?
Tantrums are emotional outburst which usually occur in children. Tina might have expected the saleswoman to give the same tee from the hanger. Seeing a fresh piece caused a mismatch in expectations, which led to an emotional outburst.
Why do they happen?
From the age of 3, children start to feel a lot of emotion. Think of it like a balloon that is filling up with an air of emotions, if not managed it can burst.
How can we prevent tantrums?
Make a deal and keep it- Children sometimes throw a tantrum if their expectations are not met. As adults, we sometimes make promises and forget to keep it. If you make a deal, remember to keep it.
Reward good behavior- If you see a child behaving well, be sure to identify and compliment it. For example “You ate your dinner without dropping anything Good job!” This encourages good behavior and makes them feel recognized.
Pick your fights- Choose when you want to call out a behavior. If the child is painting and drops paint all over themselves, do you really want to step in? Or can you wait and see how they manage themselves.
Keep it simple- State what they need to do, not what they don’t. Instead of saying “Why haven’t you shut the door” say “Can you please shut the door.”
Set expectations- Give them time to transition and let them know what’s coming. If you are going out, let them know that you are going for 30 minutes, buy eggs, milk, and no junk food.
Offer choices- Children want to feel in control. Give them choices throughout the day to help them make decisions. This prevents tantrums as they feel that they are in control.
How can we manage tantrums?
Identify the emotion- Think about what emotion is behind the tantrum. Is it anger, sadness or disappointment? Then work on it accordingly.
Recall past events- Think about the events that may have lead to the tantrum. Has the child eaten or slept well? Did the child have a rough day at school or a fight with a friend? This helps us understand if the outburst is because of the current event or as a result of past events.
Wait it out- Sometimes waiting it out calm the child down. Crying is healthy and needed to manage big emotions. Let the child cry it out for some time and then offer water and advice to help them channelize it.
Active listening- Sometimes children throw a tantrum for attention. Saying “I hear you” and just listening to a child helps them calm down.
Watch your tone- Shouting and being passive-aggressive worsens the situation. If the child is screaming and you scream too it becomes difficult to find a solution. Keep your tone low and calm, the child will automatically start mirroring you in some time.
Be consistent- Be consistent with the above steps. It’s hard not to give in and just give the child a candy when they are crying for one. But, being consistent sets them up for a better future. They understand the value of patience and ways to communicate in a healthy manner.
Remember, tantrums are a normal part of growing up. You may not be able to control a tantrum, but you can control your reaction to it.