The Art of Listening to Children
Taking feedback from children
“Am I doing enough for my children?”, “What does my child think of me?” “Am I a good parent/teacher?”. Most of us find ourselves thinking about these questions. The simplest way to know is to ask. In other words, take feedback from children.
Why it matters?
It makes the child feel heard and that their opinion matters. They understand that communication is a two-way process.
It helps the child to stand up for themselves in the future. If they are caught in a situation that makes them uncomfortable, they know that they can always voice out and give feedback.
It makes them open to feedback. Once a child feels heard, they will be open to hearing from you as well.
But aren’t children too young to give constructive feedback?
Children observe and infer every action of yours. They are constantly thinking about why you are doing what you are doing. What we can do is help them word it out in a structured manner.
How can we teach children to give feedback?
Set the environment- State the purpose to your child and why you are doing this. Tell them that you want to improve as a parent and their opinion would be helpful.
Set anchor questions- Ask the child-specific questions like:
a. “When do you like me the most, Why is that?”
b. “What don’t you like, why is that?”
c. “What is something you’d like me to do more often?”
Remember, to give them enough time to answer.
Be open- Tell the child that every kind of feedback is acceptable. Communicate that you want to know how they feel about your actions. You can say “I want to know my actions make you feel, that way I will know what to do and what not to do.”
What should I do while receiving feedback?
Keep your body language in check- Remember to sit next to the child and to sit at an equal level. If you sit opposite to the child or at a level higher, it gives a sense of authority and prevents the child from being open.
Keep your tone in check- Keep your tone calm and well-paced to indicate that you are calm and looking to improve. If you raise your tone, the child will automatically raise theirs or feel scared and stop.
Listen actively- Remember to maintain eye contact and nod while you are listening. Keep your phone away and wait for the child to complete their sentence before saying anything.
Responding- When you need to respond ask questions in a way that is not defensive. You can ask “ Can you tell me a little more about that?”
Take notes- Take notes to make the child feel heard and that you genuinely want to know how they feel.
What if I disagree?
Remember, the motive of feedback is to understand your child’s perspective. Even if you disagree, keep your tone and body language in check. Wait till your child finishes their sentence. Don’t get defensive, instead, ask “ Why do you think I did that.” It’s possible that the child understands why you did that. If they don’t ask for an alternative and try to come up with a mutual solution.
Keep your emotions in check and don’t get angry. If you do the so, the entire purpose of taking feedback is lost. Remember it’s okay to be wrong, you are human after all.
What do I do after receiving feedback?
Say thank you- Thank the child for being honest and respectful in giving feedback. You can say “Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.” This makes the child feel appreciated.
Summarise- This is where the list comes handy. Summarise the points you’ve noted by saying, “ So you like it when I…….., “I will try not to……….”, “We can work on………” This assures the child that you are going to work on the feedback.
Follow up- One of the most important parts of taking feedback is to follow up. Remember to check in after two weeks, too see what’s working and what’s not.
Set future conversations- Tell the child that you would like to have similar conversations and they can approach you when they want.
The process of feedback is used around the world to improve things. Starting the process of feedback at home is a step towards raising adults who can have healthier communication in relationships and respected for their ability to constantly better themselves.