Why we should let our children fail.

During my two years at Teach For India, I taught 55 children from Grade 3 and 4. My classroom was changed several times, without any prior notice. When my classroom was changed for the 4th time, I reached a point of hopelessness.

To my surprise, 10-year-old Anam came up to me and said, ” Didi, we have a treehouse classroom now. It has so many windows. Don’t worry we will put our thinking cap on and make a good and bad list. Then we can learn and have fun too!”

Each time, children came up with ideas to make the new classroom feel familiar and make it a condusive place to study. They made and put up charts on the wall, without me asking them to. They made cards to make me feel less anxious and expressed their support in all the ways they could. These events got me thinking that how exactly did these values and thinking get inculcated in the children? I had never purposefully taught these skills to them. So how did they come up with these plans in unison?

One word answer: Adaptability.

Let the child be, and they will come up with solutions.

My children hail from Govandi; an area where the average life expectancy is 42, there is a severe water problem and is also surrounded by Asia’s second-largest Dumping ground. Being brought up in such an environment, they have learned the optimum use of resources since birth. They adapt to any situation and try to make the best out of the worst. Having observed these skills in them, the question that arises in my mind was how can we build these skills in all children? What if each child learns to adapt to a situation so that as an adult they are able to face any challenge that comes in their way.

As a parent/educator we try our best to protect children. We fear they will fall and hurt themselves that we don’t give them a chance to learn. So what are some ways we can facilitate adaptability in kids?:

1. Let the child fall- Yes you read that correctly. Only when a child falls will she be able to pick herself up and learn. In the real world, children need to pick themselves up, so why not inculcate independent learning from childhood itself? As a parent/educator help the child take ownership of their actions and solve problems on their own. You can sit down with them and debrief the problem later if you want. Let them handle the process of problem-solving at first. If they reach out for help, follow the next point.

2. Stop giving directions, start facilitating- If a child is struggling with something we tend to give immediate solutions to save time. Instead let the child be curious, ask them what do they think about it. When the child starts giving solutions sit with a paper and pen and start listing everything they say. Do not respond, no matter how crazy their suggestions sound. Just listen and write. After listing down everything, take each point, and have a mutual discussion as to why it could work and why it couldn’t. Keep crossing and ticking as you go to help the child narrow down a solution. This helps the child become a better planner and think of alternative solutions in times of crisis.

3. Recognize and describe the effort- Once the child succeeds in solving the problem. Acknowledge it by saying, “I see you solved the problem that must have taken effort. Can you tell me the steps you took to solve it? ” When they start describing make sure to make eye contact and really listen. This will help build a child’s confidence.

4. Let the child feel- In case the child fails, don’t be afraid of your child feeling sad or disappointed. Help the child accept all kinds of feelings. Offer clear feeling sentences by saying: “I’m sorry this is so hard.” ” You were really looking forward to it, that must be disappointing.” Once the child accepts this feeling, let her sulk for a while, she will soon pick herself up and come up with a solution. This is how a child can build resilience.

5. Model it out- Help the child understand positive self-talk and ways to acknowledge their own first. Children mirror what they see. So if you are facing a problem, say it’s okay, let me think of solutions. Don’t depreciate yourself in front of a child. In case, you cannot solve a problem, accept and recognize your effort by saying. ” I feel upset, but I know I tried my best to solve the problem.”

To conclude, the world is fast-changing and competitive. We cannot be there to support our children all the time. So, It is important that we teach our kids to be adaptable and independent. Let the child be curious and let the child fail. You will be amazed by the kind of solutions they come up with.