Building Assertiveness

Helping children state their opinion

Arnav, Mansi, and Sneha are studying together. Mansi wants a book that Arnav is reading. She shouts and tells him to give it to her right now. Arnav feels scared and immediately gives it to him. Sneha watches this and asks Arnav why did he give the book to Mansi if he was still reading it?

Here Arnav is struggling with stating his opinion while Mansi is being aggressive. They need to learn to balance the two and state their needs in an assertive manner.

What’s the difference between being aggressive, assertive, and passive?

The way we tone and word our statements makes a huge difference. We need to start by teaching children the difference between the three.

• Aggressive (not caring about others’ needs): “Give me that book or else I will hit you.

• Assertive (communicating your needs respectfully): “I’m reading this book now. You may have it when I’m finished.”

• Passive(not communicating your needs): “You can take the book. I don't need it right now. “

  

Why should we build assertiveness in children?

1. Reduces anger- When we are able to pick your battles and stand our ground. We don't hate ourselves for how we choose to spend your time.

2. Confidence- We are not afraid to work in teams as we know we have the confidence to state our views.

3. Better emotional health- We are not scared of bargaining with people. This leads to reduced anxiety and better confidence.

4. Ability to prioritize- We are able to speak your mind and choose which tasks we want to spend your time on.

   

So, how can we build assertiveness in children?

1. Teach “I” statements- Help them word their statements by saying the following
I felt _____ when you said/did _______
Can you please explain the logic behind your Statement so I can relate to you
I understand your reasoning but I have to disagree because______

Explain that when children begin a statement with “I” rather than “You,” they are standing up for themselves and are being assertive rather than mean or aggressive. Tell them that sending an “I message” is a way to let others know how they feel. An “I message” does not judge, attack, or cause annoyance like a “You message.”

2. Let your child speak- Sometimes we don't let our children give an explanation. We blame them for backtalking and insulting us. Let the child explain why they did what they did. If you feel they are being disrespectful, debrief that later. Teach them to regulate their tones but do listen to their words.

3. Model- Don't be afraid to speak your mind and disagree. If you as an adult learn to stand up for yourself, the child will learn from you and understand that there is nothing wrong in doing so.

4. Define boundaries- It's important to teach our children emotional boundaries along with physical boundaries. Teach them that if someone's words make them uncomfortable they have every right to state how they are feeling. For example, if someone asks them to hit someone. They can straight up say "No, hitting is wrong. I am not going to do that."If the person dismisses their feelings, they are always allowed to leave.

5. Monitor your tone- There is a thin line between being aggressive and being assertive. Speak in a calm voice when you are stating an opinion, this will teach children to regulate their tone too.

6. Channelise reading- When reading a book or a news article ask your child what they think about it. Disagree with them at times, to inculcate their ability to express their opinion.

7. Build confidence- Teach children that they have every right to state how they feel. Don't dismiss them by saying "oh you are just a child." Tell them that their thoughts and feelings matter just as much as anybody else.

Remember, children have conversations with various people every day. If we teach them that their words matter, we build confident and communicative adults in the future.