Conquering fear

Making sense of facts and feelings to overcome fear.

Raj is excited to go to his friend’s birthday party. On reaching, he sees a dog sitting near the entrance. He starts shivering and immediately tells his parents that he wants to go home. His parents try to coax him, but he starts wailing loudly.

What caused Raj to behave this way?

Fear of dogs. Fear is the emotion that tells us that something can harm us and we need to protect ourselves at any cost. If fear continues in the long term it can lead to a phobia.

How does fear originate?

• Fear can originate from personal experiences. Raj might have been chased by a dog which led him to behave this way.

• It can be caused by witnessing events. Raj may have seen someone being chased by a dog.

• It can be caused by a worrywart parent. If Raj saw his father being scared of a dog, he may automatically conclude that dogs are scary.

What are some common fears?

Children have different kinds of fear according to their age. However, it’s not necessary for every child to follow an order or be afraid of something.

How can we conquer fear?

When someone experiences fear, the emotional part of their brain overrides the logical part. This is also called flipping the lid. The trick is to help a child integrate the emotional and logical part of the brain.

1. Acknowledge- Don’t dismiss the fear. Saying “It’s nothing or you will get over it.” makes a child feel that you don’t take them seriously. Acknowledge it by saying, “That can be scary.” This helps a child connect with you and know that you take their feelings seriously.

   

2. Ask- Try and understand the root cause. Sometimes fear arises from being anxious. For example, if a child is scared of a test, you can ask how are you feeling? (See: Raising children who aren’t afraid to feel ). The child may say I am worried/tensed about failing. So the fear is arising from worry or uncertainty. Help a child navigate the best case and worst case scenario to help them visualize the scenario.

   

3. Self-regulation- When we see a child being scared, our first instinct is to comfort them and make sure they are okay. However, in the long term, they become dependent and are unable to overcome fear on their own. If a child is scared of the dark, comfort the child in their own bed rather than bringing them to your room. Encourage them to manage and understand their emotions.

   

4. Retell- If the fear arises from an experience. Daniel Siegel recommends a method called memory integration. Teach a child how they can gain control over experience by retelling a story. For example, ask Raj “You know what I saw, I saw you walking towards your friend’s house…” Be gentle and give them the power to pause the story at any time, even fast forward the unpleasant details. But make sure at some point, even if it’s later, you rewind and tell the entire story including the painful parts.

   

5. Desensitize- Take small steps to help a child face their fear. For example, if a child is scared of taking a bath. Start by helping them come close to water. The next step could be trickling a little water on their hands. Then pour some on their back. Remember to appreciate every milestone and wait for them to be calm and confident.

   

6. Ask what helps- The best way to help a child is by taking their opinion. Similar to the above step, ask a child what can help them overcome their fear. Make a list of how every event can affect their feelings. This will help a child be in control of the situation and be better equipped to handle fear.

Remember, fear can be seen as a temporary feeling. A simple shift from ‘I am scared’ to ‘I am feeling scared’ can help a child be in control and conquer fear.