Creating a Safe space

What "I am here for you" really means.

Alisha comes home from school. She runs to her room and closes the door. Her parents can hear her sobbing and keep asking her what’s wrong. Alisha refuses to talk and stays in her room the entire day.

What happened to Alisha?

Alisha is feeling overwhelmed about something. She probably wants someone to listen to her and help her figure things out. The problem is Alisha does not know how to access this. She needs a safe space to express her thoughts.

What and why do we need a safe space?

Let's understand how our brain works in times of danger or when we are overwhelmed. It either goes into flight, fight or freeze. Now when a child is facing this, they forget they can talk about their emotions. The only option they see is to not talk about it or defend themselves. We need to explicitly create a safe space, to let them know that there is a fourth option too.

Isn’t the classroom and home already a safe space?

Yes. According to us, we are doing our best to create a safe space for a child. However, there is a difference between creating one and letting the child know explicitly. Alisha probably knew that her parents will listen to her. What she did not know is how to start the conversation. Our words, actions, inactions, and tone all have to align to let the child know “I am here for you.”

How do we create a safe space for children?

1. Ask what they want- If the child comes up to you feeling overwhelmed. Ask them do they want a listener or do they want advice? Doing this tells the child that they can simply talk about their problems, even if they are scared to solve them right now.

   

2. Be inclusive- Check your language. Suppose a child wants to talk to you about their gender or religious preferences. If they continuously see you using binary terms (he, she) or talk about one religion only. They will be too scared to approach you. Keep an open mind and use inclusive language.

   

3. Be Vulnerable- Talk about your problem with the child too. If you think they are too young to understand it, simply break it down for them. If you want your child to open up about bullying, abuse, or sex. You need to talk about your own experiences too.

   

4. Be empathetic- This goes without saying. If a child talks to you about an incident, don’t say “I know exactly how you feel” and then start talking about your own experience. Listen to the child, if you feel like talking about your own experience will help them open up. Go ahead and share.

   

5. Don’t judge- This one too goes without saying. However, the catch here is that we never know when we are being judgemental. One way to check yourself is by observing what you are thinking and saying. Are you labeling the child? Are you having thoughts like “This was bound to happen"? Remember, the child can sense these things in your body language and tone. Try to understand their perspective and really listen to them.

   

6. Watch your words- How are you talking to a child on a day to day basis? If a child is making careless mistakes, are we labeling them by calling them careless? These words can stick in a child’s mind. They might be upset about something which is causing them to behave in this manner. Calling them careless will shut them down even more. Ask a child what’s wrong and try to understand how are they feeling.

   

7. Evaluate consequences- If the child has done something wrong, they might be scared of talking to you. It is important to evaluate our consequences to enable a safe space. Replace punishment with problem-solving. Help a child see what effect can their actions have on others and themselves. If you feel shocked by a child’s actions. Let them know. Say “That’s a tough issue. Thank you for sharing it with me. Is it okay if I take some time to think about it"?”Doing this consistently will help them evaluate their choices on their own.

Remember, everyone needs a safe space in their lives. If we create a safe space for our children, they might create safe spaces for others too. Let’s build inclusive and kind adults for the future.