Respecting choice.
Choices vs ultimatum.
4-year-old Amisha is having lunch. Her caregiver adds another roti to her plate. Amisha says “I am full. I don’t want” Amisha’s caregiver says, “You have to eat it. I am telling you to eat it.” Amisha sulks and eats the additional roti.
What just happened?
This is a common example of a power struggle between a caregiver and a child.
Amisha’s body signaled her that she was full. She heard it and chose not to eat more. Her caregiver might have felt otherwise and gave her an ultimatum instead of listening to her.
What can this lead to?
When we do this with a child, we indirectly tell them “I don’t think you are capable of making your own choices” and teach them not to trust their instinct.
When children are not allowed to trust their instincts, they can have trouble identifying what’s safe for them and what’s unsafe for them.
That sounds scary. What can be done instead?
As adults, we listen to our gut feeling and don’t indulge in things that make us feel uncomfortable. Children deserve the same too.
We need to support children in trusting their instincts and respect choice in a safe manner.
How do we respect a child’s choice?
Choice over ultimatum- Amisha’s caregiver could have offered Amisha a choice instead of saying no to it altogether. They could have said “I understand that you are feeling full right now. However, I am feeling worried that your body still needs more energy. Would you like to eat half of what’s left on your plate right now or eat some more after 30 minutes?”. This acknowledges the child’s feelings as well as the caregiver’s worry.
Listen- A step towards respecting choice is effective listening. Instead of saying “Because I said so” “ Don’t answer back” we can say “Can you please tell me more about why you feel this way?” This means we set aside our own opinion for a while, and first listen to what the child has to say. This tells the child that we respect your voice too. Here is an article about effective listening.
Create choice scenarios- Learning to make a choice is a skill. Try creating choice scenarios at mealtime for a child. Some other ways could be deciding what to wear today, brushing teeth on their own, or even as simple as choosing a crayon to color with. This helps a child become confident with their ability to make a choice.
Encourage reflection- Help children think about why they made a certain choice. This increases self-awareness and helps them make future choices. For eg: I see you chose to eat rice instead of roti today can you tell me why? This helps a child think about their rationale before making a choice as well.
Take consent- Teach your child about emotional and physical consent. This helps them trust their own body and understand that they always have a choice.
Evaluate consequences- Check if any of your consequences involve taking away a choice. For example, No ice cream for you after dinner or you cannot go play with your friend! These consequences do not help the child reflect on their mistake and only instill anger/sadness in them.
Appreciate- Lastly, remember to appreciate a child’s choice! Tell them that they are doing so well and you are happy to see them try things on their own.
Remember, everyone has the right to make a choice. The concept of choice does not mean that you do not have a say in the decision-making process. It simply tells the child, “I want to know how you feel about this so that we can make a decision together.”
Here is a quick refrigerator sheet for you:
1. Offer choice over ultimatum.
2. Create scenarios for choice.
3. Listen, acknowledge and appreciate!
