Setting emotional boundaries
Finding the balance between being there for ourselves and others.
Nisha is an empathetic child. She is always there for her friends and family and listens to their troubles. However, at the end of the day, she feels extremely sad and burned out. She also feels alone in spite of having so many people in her life.
What’s happening to Nisha?
In the constant pursuit of empathizing and being there for people, she is unable to be there for herself. By the end of the day, she feels burned out as she is shouldering her own problems as well as the problems of others too. She needs to find a balance between being there for others and being there for herself too.
In short, she is struggling with something most people struggle with: “Setting emotional boundaries”.
What happens if emotional boundaries are not set?
Emotional trashbag- By being constantly available and de-prioritizing ourselves, we tend to become an emotional trashbag. People might rant and trash their problems on us without listening to how we are feeling in the first place.
Sudden outbursts- If we keep taking in other’s emotions, we don’t give ourselves the time to pause and assess our own emotions. As a result, all these bottle emotions might come bursting out all of a sudden.
Burn out- We are so afraid to say no to a friend, that we take that phone call even if we just got done with work and want some peace, If we don’t set emotional boundaries, we will keep compromising our own mental health. This will lead to feeling frustrated and burned out at the end of the day.
So, how can we teach children to set emotional boundaries?
Emotional consent- We teach our kids about physical space and consent. Why not teach them about emotional consent too. Every time you want to talk to them about something that's troubling you ask, " Hi, there is something I want to talk about do you have the headspace to talk?" This will help them understand that you can always set an emotional boundary in a respectful manner.
Choice of words- What can they do if someone calls them all of a sudden? How do they then communicate that they are not in the best space to listen?
Try saying this- “I am not in the best state emotionally can we take this up later?”
If it’s really urgent, set a time limit by saying
”I am in the middle of something, but I'm available for 5 minutes to talk to you.”If the other person is repeating the same thing again and again, help them rationalizing their thoughts by saying “ I hear you and I understand you are struggling with <insert problem>. Do you want my advice on this, if not what do you want to do about it?”
By doing this they will be able to be kind to others as well as be kind to themselves.
Encourage me time- Encourage them to spend time with themselves. Children are so busy with their schedules that they forget to pause and check how are they really feeling. This helps in assessing one’s emotional threshold and thus setting emotional boundaries in the future.
Support system- Encourage them to assess their support system. They have a lot of friends, but how many friends can they actually talk to? It’s important to have a support system with whom you can talk about your emotions as well. Bottling up emotions has an effect on the body and leads to a lot of physical pain.
Assertiveness- Teach them to stand up for themselves. Sometimes it’s difficult to say no to people and as a result, they take up too many things on their plate. Equip them with skills to say no in order to prevent burn out.
Gaslighting- Help children differentiate between care, gaslighting, and tantrums. It’s easy to confuse toxic relationships with caring relationships. . Help them understand what healthy communication looks like.
Remind- Remind them that if anyone is making them feel inferior, they can always leave. They always have the power to say, “ you are making me uncomfortable” and leave.
Remember, setting emotional boundaries does not mean you are avoiding others. It simply means that you are being there for yourself while being there for others too.